Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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