I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
