I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
