I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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