I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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