Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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