new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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