Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
