I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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