Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
