I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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