she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
