went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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