Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Randomize
