I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
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At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
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It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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