just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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