Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
