Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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