the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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