Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
