the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
