In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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