I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize