What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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