first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
