We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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