Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
