when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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