6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
