hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
