My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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