Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
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I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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