Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
