but the lizard people decide everything anyway
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
