When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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