You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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