Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
