The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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