I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
