Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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