I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
