i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
