Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
