So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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