to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
