Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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