my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
