she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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