dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
