do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
