i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
