If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
