Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
